Being Spencer
by absencexofxlight
Summary: "I don't want to hurt you, Spencer" he said calmly.Reid didn't move his gun away.He put his hand on the trigger,and Hotch brought his gun forward."Careful Reid. Are you sure you want to do that? Kill me?"x Reid tries to change who he is, but fails H/R
1. Someone Else

**chapter one - Someone Else**

****Summary - Reid attempts to change who he is, but terribly fails. When his life becomes a living nightmare, Hotch will be there, to help him through, and to help Spencer realize that he's the only one who needs to really accept himself as he truly is.  
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Okays this chapter has now been edited, and hopefully improved. This chapter is still short, and it doesn't even resemble the others in 'quality' i would say. I've been trying to add more detail and conversations to my chapters.

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><p>Spencer Reid was tired. Tired of all the times people would get ticked off by his ramblings. Tired of all the jokes made about him. Tired of people judging him because of his age. But mostly, he was just tired of himself. His geeky self, his awkwardness in social situations, parts of his attire. They were all weird qualities that made him different. He was tired of feeling different from others.<p>

He realized all this, when he thought back to all the times he had been bugged by the rest of the team. Morgan wanted his 5 minutes back. They all wanted their minutes back, after he had wasted their 'precious' time on facts and numbers. The only one who had practically always listened or politely dismissed him was agent Hotchner. The others were blunt, mean, and hurtful.

_He wanted a change. He was going to change._

He was in the B.A.U. office, it was 9pm, and they had wrapped up their last case. He and Morgan were sitting, and Prentiss was on her phone. Morgan was wondering how much traffic there was outside, and Reid mentioned the different statistics for traffic on Monday nights, but his statement turned into a long run off. Morgan looked at him with a ridiculed face, and he immediately stopped talking. _Spencer snapped._

"Morgan if you don't fucking want to listen to me, then just don't talk to me at all! This is who i am, i'm sorry i can't be normal, i didn't choose who i got to be at birth!" he yelled, as Prentiss hung up her phone and stared in shock. Morgan backed off and raised his arms defensively.

"Whoa kid, Sor-ry! I didn't think you'd be offended." he spoke, but in this moment of time, Reid had gotten the courage to speak up about something that had been deviously bugging him. He was not going to back down.

"Didn't think _i'd_ be offended? Who do you think i am Morgan? I have fucking feelings, I don't tell YOU to shut up, and you guys just ignore me, and make fun of me. Do you really think you're being friendly with me? I know we are co-workers, but haven't we established the friendship status? All of us!" he accused, as he grabbed his messenger bag from the table. At that moment, Hotch walked out of his office, because he had heard the commotion. He looked at an angry Reid, and a defensive Morgan. Reid turned around to face Prentiss.

"You too! You and JJ and Garcia and Rossi. You guys think this is funny! Don't try being friendly." he growled, and rushed out of the B.A.U., ignoring Hotch, who had been calling his name. He got on the elevator, staring at the doors impatiently, waiting for them to open, so that he could get the hell out of the building. He was furious.

He walked over to his car, as his phone rang. Caller I.D. said it was 'Hotch'. He missed the call, as he threw his messenger bag, and sat in. He powered off his phone, and removed the battery. His hands shook as he turned on the car, and headed to a liquor store a block from his apartment. He sighed, and groaned, thinking about the consequences of his argument. He couldn't get fired though. He was just speaking up, and he was a vital part of the team. But.. They didn't want him, did they? Nevertheless, it was his job, and he couldn't risk leaving or getting fired.

After buying two large bottles of two random drinks, he headed home, a block away. He parked his car, and got inside his house. His keys were put on the kitchen table, and he left his messenger bag in his room, while changing into his pajamas. The t.v. was playing cartoons, and he thought, 'why not', as he sat to watch Tom and Jerry. A few minutes later after watching the mouse get chased by the cat, he got up, and grabbed a glass of the drink, bringing the bottle with him. He was never the type of person to drink, but as this called for desperate measures, he gulped it down. He felt the burn in his throat, as he watched the cartoon change to the coyote following the road runner but never succeeding.

After a few more glasses, he felt dizzy and completely drunk. He began to laugh at himself. **How pitiful!** If he were Morgan, he would be making fun of himself. He took another glass, and watched cartoons. This was so much funner than reading, or thinking about cases, as he was actually enjoying being drunk while watching cartoons. He thought of all the times he wished he weren't a genius, and this was one of them. Tomorrow, he would wear matching socks. He would leave his messenger bag and all its unnecessary contents. He would ruffle up his hair, and forget his geeky sweater vests. '_Yeah, tomorrow i'll be different, they wont be able to recognize me. i wont be their kid genius. just regular Spencer. regular Reid._' he thought, excitedly, as he drank. He leaned back, giggled to himself, and laid down on the couch, turning his phone back on for his morning alarm. Without even bothering to go to the bathroom, turn off the lights or t.v., he closed his eyes. He shook his thoughts multiple times, as his mind finally gave away and he fell asleep.


	2. I'm Happy

**chapter two - I'm Happy**

Just so you know, this will be slash. It is why the pairing is Hotch and Reid, and *partially* why the story is rated M.

the slash will not be until later on though. in like 3 chapters or so.

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><p>The next morning at 6:30 a.m., the phone rang off its alarm, startling Spencer. The ringing was loud in his ears, as he reached over and grabbed his phone, silencing it. He felt horrible, and had a throbbing headache. <em>Maybe i shouldn't have drank so much<em>. All the moving from the living room to his bed room gave him a nauseous feeling. He rushed to the bathroom, knelt in front of the toilet, waiting to throw up. A few seconds later, he threw up in the toilet, and got up slowly to avoid more of a headache. He headed to his room to get his clothing, and went back to the bathroom to get ready for work.

He remembered all the things he said he was going to do, so he switched his socks, wore the jeans, and didn't fix his hair. His messenger bag was left on his bed, as he headed outside towards his car.

It was a sort of chilly day. It was windy and the sun was up already, but it was barely felt. There was, as usual, a bit of traffic and as Reid pulled up to the FBI building, his nerves started kicking in. The headache that was leaving surely came back, and he struggled to keep his cool. For certain, things would be awkward. But it wouldn't matter though, because there wasn't a need to talk much was there? Other than for the case, Reid didn't have to socialize, so he thought to himself that he would be fine. Hotch would definitely give him a whole lecture about what he did, and he would apologize, hoping that he hadn't jeopardized his job. He was hoping that not everyone knew, but that wasn't the case.

As he exited the elevator, he rubbed the sides of his head, begging for the headache to go away. At the door of the B.A.U., JJ passed by him, not speaking a word. He walked towards his desk, feeling a bit alone without his bag. Maybe it was just the tension from when Morgan eyed him suspiciously, but he felt so strange. He reached towards his side for the bag, but realized it wasn't there. Prentiss had just walked through the door, and was headed towards Reid. Rossi had waved at Reid and entered Hotch's office. Maybe it was too much. The fact that he felt like he was being stared down by everyone because of his bad deed. Prentiss walking towards him, Morgan looking at him suspiciously, his messenger bag gone, his jeans. He didn't feel so good. When Emily was about to speak, his eyes opened wide. _She is going to confront me about it_.

"Excuse me" he breathed as he turned the other way, walking towards the bathroom. **So typical**. He was avoiding his problem, instead of facing it. But avoiding the problem felt better.

He locked himself in a stall, and leaned against the wall, planning his escapes for the rest of the day. Every situation clearly raced in his mind, only making him more anxious. He thought of all his solutions, and relaxed a bit, when he realized he had it. His amazing plan to be regular Spencer. Opening the stall, he went over to the mirror, and looked at his appearance. He forced a bit of a smile, and left the bathroom. Prentiss and Morgan were talking to each other. When he turned around, he saw Hotch staring at him from the top of the small stairs. He waved his hand towards his office, not saying a word, because Spencer knew he himself had caused a small commotion. Maybe he was blaming himself. Morgan and the others were the ones always bugging him. It was their fault that he couldn't take it anymore.

He walked over to Hotch's office, and smiled.

"Hey Hotch. Good morning" he greeted, and was met with Hotch's _'are you kidding me'_ face.

"Reid sit down, don't try to act all happy go lucky." Hotch replied, as Reid sat and fiddled with his fingers.

"I am happy, Hotch. Yesterday i watched some cartoons and i couldn't stop laughing at them. It was so hilarious." he laughed, pulling back a strand of hair that was in front of his eyes. Hotch stared him down, but Reid kept on smiling, and laughing. It was so fake. He was in a room with a profiler, and for someone so smart, he couldn't get any dumber, believing that his little facade was working. _Then let's make him think it is_.

"I'm glad to hear that! I was worried about you, but you've made me realize that it's all okay, just remember not to have a repeat of yesterday please" Hotch spoke, faking his smile, waiting for the little fish to take the bait. Spencer nodded and kept on smiling. It hurt him to see Reid like this, but by not confronting him about it so soon, he'll reduce the risk of Reid denying it. _Spencer is lying to himself about who he is, and avoiding the truth about how he feels. There will be a moment where he won't take it anymore, and it'll be so easy to tell, he won't be able to deny it_.

Spencer left Hotch's office with a smirk. He'd done it, and for a second he thought his boss would never fall for it. He proceeded to his desk, and JJ emerged from the door, carrying a few files and papers. She smiled, and announced she'd be briefing them on a new case in two minutes. Morgan got up and headed towards Reid, who was staring deeply at the desk.

"You still mad, Reid?" he asked, and Reid shrugged looking up at Morgan.

"I'm not mad" he smiled, got up from his seat, patted Morgan on the back, and started walking to the briefing room. Morgan followed Reid until the younger man stopped.

"I'm sorry Reid, I'll listen to you from now on, just don't ramble on too much" Morgan stated, and Reid scoffed at him.

"You don't need to listen to me, Derek, it's fine" He murmured, and they walked into the room. JJ and Prentiss stopped talking, and Prentiss looked at Reid, noticing his missing messenger bag.

"Hey Reid, where's your bag?" she asked casually, but reminding Reid of the reason he felt so overexposed and anxious. Reid didn't have a chance to reply, when Hotch joined in.

"Yeah, Reid, where_ is_ your bag?" he asked a bit suspiciously.

"I usually carry it for nothing, so, I decided not to bring it anymore" he spoke, and sat down on the chair across from Hotch. Rossi walked in the room, looking around, followed by Garcia.

Reid felt drowned in his own anxiety. Why had this shaken him up so much? He usually had on another layer of clothes on top, and his messenger bag, but he didn't think he'd be so freaked out without it. Maybe it was the suspense of the whole situation, because he was never _this_ anxious. JJ spoke of the case, and he was handed a file. He opened it to read, but then stopped, and looked at the blank part of the paper. He started reading the file as normal, but it wasn't exactly so easy, as he was use to reading rapidly. He was frustrated. His eyes stared at the paper, but he couldn't read. What was this? Some sort of psychological mind block? He hissed to himself, staring at the same paper. He was very distracted.

"So what do you think, Reid?" asked Hotch, making Reid look up and his face turn red.

"I.. I think it's a bad case" he stated, looking down once more at the malicious file in his hands. It was an opinion. It couldn't possibly be wrong. But they wanted more than his opinion of how bad it was. They wanted his opinion on the exact details of the case.

"What about the victims? I can only find one connection" questioned Rossi, and Reid froze up.

"The victims.. " he mumbled. All eyes were on him, he felt his throat close up and his heart started beating rapidly. JJ chuckled sarcastically, thinking it was some sort of joke. There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, before Hotch began giving his opinion on the victims. All eyes were on him now, and Reid breathed a sigh of relief. He opened the file, took a breath, and read as fast as he could. When he was done, he was slightly happy that they weren't staring at him. He would be no use of the team, if he couldn't read or comprehend.

For some strange reason, every time he was asked for input, Hotch got in the way. Maybe it was suspicious, but maybe it was just a coincidence. He was grateful for whatever it was, because those little bouts of intense panic every time someone stared at him, were not a good sign. At least, he didn't blabber on. Something that the other Spencer would always do. Something that always got the others ticked off. _Except for Hotch_.

He walked out, as they prepared to leave for Texas. The team moved up ahead of him, with the exception of Garcia. They were clustered together, except for Hotch. The man had slowed his pace, and Reid had caught up slowly. As they got on the jet, Hotch looked at Reid, making eye contact, until Reid looked away at the sky. It was blue.

"You're happy, right?" Hotch asked, right before getting on. Reid's heart raced. He looked down, and then up, taking a big gulp of air.

"Yes" he whispered, as he followed Hotch into the plane.


	3. The Opening

**chapter three - The Opening**

i'm sorry if its short. and i took a bit to update it.

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><p>The plane ride started to seem insanely long to Spencer. He had sat in the far corner of the plane, trying to avoid as much eye contact as possible. He wished he were somewhere else, somewhere where he could forget what happened yesterday, and where he could keep on being who he was. It was too late now. If he would go back to his usual self, it would make him feel defeated, like he couldn't handle being <em>"normal"<em>. But, he wasn't handling it well anyways. He was just lying to himself. But it felt way better than feeling **defeated**.

He wished he could be at home, laying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, with no eyes on him. He wished he could be with his mom, who was a few times messed up, but always would accept him, and love him. He wished he were in a field of dewy grass, the sun shining, butterflies feeding on nectar from beautiful flowers, alone. The breeze shooting through the area, and the nice scent of lavender. It seemed so childish, and feminine, but that opening was where he'd like to be. Someplace with just him, and his mind, with no fear of others intruding, and no fear of watchful eyes. But then he thought to himself, that it would be pretty lonely.

For a moment, he was gone. His eyes open, but his vision in the small opening of a forest, leading to the small area with the colorful flowers. A smile spread on his face, and he breathed happily. Hotch watched as Spencer sighed of contentment, and wondered where in his mind was the younger man. After knowing of Reid's day so far, he was happy for the man to find some happiness, even if it wasn't all that real.

Reid's eyes closed, but he was awake. His smile grew even wider when he realized he was completely alone.

Prentiss got up from her seat, leaving the conversation pertaining to Reid alone. She wanted to make sure he was okay, and that he understood that she would never mean to hurt him. She made her way down to the back of the small plane, and saw Reid opening his eyes, and clutching at the seat. Hotch glanced at Reid, and back at his book, not noticing Prentiss.

"Reid..." Prentiss started and Reid's eyes shot open. He mumbled a curse word under his breath, and looked at the floor, trying to calm himself down. It was just Emily, he didn't need to be afraid, she wasn't going to ask him about his outburst, or mention that he was acting strange, or ask why his bag was missing again, or ask why he wasn't wearing something on top of his shirt, or ask why was he avoiding all of them. _She was, wasn't she?_

"Yes? .. Prentiss" Reid gasped, and Hotch looked at him carefully.

"Hey, I wanted to make sure you understood that we wouldn't ever mean to hurt you on purpose." She said, reaching out her hand to his shoulder, but he shrugged her off.

"I understand, Emily... You guys were just joking" he said, his voice cracking.

"Well, sometimes you-" she continued, but was interrupted when Hotch called her over.

Spencer watched as Hotch and Prentiss exchanged words, apparently about the book that Hotch was reading. He sat, tense, wondering when Emily was going to leave, so that he could seem normal when leaving towards the bathroom. Prentiss left a few seconds after nodding towards Morgan. Hotch returned to his book, completely ignoring Reid.

Reid was dying inside, figuratively. He'd expected for Hotch to say something, but his boss didn't even look at him. He was happy because he could leave to the bathroom easily, but he was worried, because this meant that Hotch _did_ know. He panicked even more, as he got up and ran to the bathroom to his left. He breathed in harder, feeling more nauseous with every other breath. The walls felt like they were closing in, and the air felt dense and harder to breathe in. His heart raced, and he felt like he was about to die. After opening the toilet, he knelt down and threw up for the second time in the day. Tears flowed down his face as he flushed the toilet and sat against the wall. _Why did i get into this?_

After a few minutes of silence, he got up, washed his mouth and face, and walked out of the bathroom. Hotch looked at him briefly and then turned away. Feeling worn out from all that occurred in the past 15 minutes, Spencer rested back on the seat, and closed his eyes. He tried to sleep, with one hand under the side of his head, and found his consciousness drifting away.

His dream started off with a light, pointing in his direction, giving him a huge headache. He stood in the darkness, and faces started appearing every where. Unidentifiable masks. The light flashed over his eyes, and he glinted at the brightness. He turned around and started walking away, when the room turned blue, and clouds started forming above. He smiled, and reached out as if to catch a cloud. His hand grasped at the air, and he was surprised when he was able to take hold of the cloud. He started floating up into the sky, looking up at the other clouds. When he looked down, he saw vines reaching up at him, thorns wanting to dig deep into his skin, and drag him down. He held on tighter to the cloud, and begged for the cloud to move faster and higher, but one of the vines had already gotten a hold of his right leg. _'Help!'_ he yelped, and the thorns dug into his skin, and blood appeared. The cloud disintegrated and Spencer started falling towards the bottom. Vines grabbed at him from every direction, suffocating him. He was covered in blood, and he started crying, as all he saw was darkness.

"Reid" Hotch spoke gently, trying to wake the genius. Reid opened his eyes, which were glistened with tears, and gasped.

"Don't worry Reid, the team has already gotten off the plane." He asserted.

"Y.. You know?" Reid asked, rubbing his face.

"I think i know what i need to know, not what i want to know. Don't worry, it'll be our secret. Here.." He said, giving Spencer a blue sweater from his bag.

"What for?" Reid asked nervously, as he sat up.

"You'll feel better with something protecting you, won't you? Stay close to me the whole day, promise?" He asked, looking at Spencer who was fidgeting with his fingers and the edge of his top.

"Ye.. Yes." he mumbled, looking up at Hotch with frightened eyes.

Hotch wrapped his arm carefully around Reid's shoulders, and brought him a bit closer. Spencer sighed, with a bit of relief. This meant he wasn't so alone. Hotch looked back at him with understanding eyes, and Reid put on the sweater, noticing Hotch's nice smell on it. His face turned red, as he followed Hotch out of the plane.


	4. Unavoidable

**chapter four - Unavoidable**

****This is a chapter i'm proud of. Yay! I had finished a day ago, but today i went over it a bit, and added the ending. Sorry for people who want to see Hotch/Reid already! I'm planning something sort of evil. Do not fear! Next chapter, they will talk!

I really wish people would review more, because my story gets added on alert, and gets Favorited, but the people don't review T-T So please, if you favorite, or like it, please review, it makes me really happy.

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><p>The day had been going fairly quickly and nicely, until they were grouped in a room at the police department. Reid had stayed around Hotch, and mostly didn't need to talk to others. In reality, he felt like spurting out thousands of facts and opinions, but he couldn't. It wouldn't be so normal, it'd be nerdy and different. He felt safe in Hotch's sweater, and every once in a while, he would discreetly smell it, loving the scent.<p>

The case was pretty gruesome. The unsub was in his late 30's, and he'd apparently picked out his victims carefully. He would restrain them, rape them, and then make large cuts across their abdomen. Reid was assigned to the map, trying to find a connection between the locations of the killings. Hotch had taken a call outside, and had told Reid that he would be right back immediately. After five minutes, the man started getting anxious.

It was seven at night, and the sun was already down. Rossi, Morgan, JJ and Prentiss were in the room with him, looking over the case files. He was staring at the map, not even daring to look away, until JJ coughed, making a significant distraction.

"Reid, we haven't heard you speak all day" she said, accusingly. Reid panicked, but started getting defensive when Emily put in,

"We're not the only ones who are trying to solve this case, and you aren't helping a bit. Shouldn't you give us some of your knowledge?" making him snap.

"Oh, NOW, you want me to talk? Now! You accuse me of talking too much, and sure, i should at least talk normally, but when i shut up you expect me to gush out random information? Is there a strict amount of words that i can or cannot speak daily? Because as far as i've ever known, we all have a choice in whenever and whatever we speak about." he took a breath, and they all stared at him, wide eyed. **A vicious cycle it was becoming**.

"Reid..." Rossi started.

"Don't. Just don't. You can't make this better in any way" at that moment, Hotch walked through the door. _Seven minutes, and they've managed to interrogate him? _Reid walked pass Hotch, and left the office. Prentiss looked shocked, and Morgan sighed.

"Team.. Please avoid being a threat to Reid. No one feels nice when they are being interrogated and told what they should do. You all should really understand that, and i shouldn't have to lecture you on something so simple" said Hotch as Morgan stomped on the floor.

"Have you seen him, Hotch? Something is completely off with him." he said.

"You think by accusing him, it will make things better?" Hotch replied, and Morgan stood defeated. _It was true._

"You guys are being irrational. You can't go on attacking Reid, especially after making fun of him all the times he's spoken paragraphs." spoke Rossi, dropping a file on the table.

"..Right" Hotch sighed, and left the room, leaving the rest alone. He headed out of the police department, wondering where Reid was, as it was already nighttime.

Reid was reckless. For a moment, he'd forgotten about Hotch. He had taken a cab to the nearest bar and he was sitting by the counter, drinking down his anxiety. With every drink, he drowned out more and more thoughts. Thoughts of never being accepted, of always being Spencer Reid. Of never being able to clear his mind of random thinking, and random questions and answers. Of never being able to wear just a t-shirt and jeans in front of others, so casually. He thought of leaving the B.A.U., and then asked for something stronger. _How childish was he_.

He thought of Hotch, and his knowing eyes. He thought of Hotch's sweater, and brought it up to his face, inhaling it deeply. He thought of Hotch kissing him, and holding him, and then he laughed foolishly. _It must be the alcohol talking._

What if Hotch would find him? His stomach churned at the thought, as he looked at the bartender, then looked away. Hotch wouldn't follow him. He wasn't _that_ important. He sighed at the relieving thought, and looked at the half full drink. He got up, and paid the bartender, walking wobbly towards the door. He opened the door, and stepped out into the cool air. After walking randomly for a few minutes, he laid on a bench under a street lamp, wishing for some miracle or an amazing time machine.

Hotch drove down a lighted road in the town, and spotted Reid laying on a bench. He parked the car quickly, and ran to his subordinate. Reid's face was wet with tears, and he was holding on to the sweater for dear life. He slowly brought his hand to Reid's shoulder and shook him, but he was passed out. He was still breathing, and more of in a deep sleep. Hotch managed to carry the light man into the passengers seat, and buckled the seat belt.

As he heard Reid mumble incoherent words, he drove towards the hotel the team was staying at.

"Hotcher" he answered, after opening his ringing cell phone. It was Rossi calling to ask about Reid.

"He's with me, i'm going to the hotel, call it a day guys." he said into the phone, and hung up, putting the phone down. He looked at Spencer, who had a pained expression.

After a few minutes, they were at the hotel, but the rest of the team was not there yet. _Good, they won't see him like this_.

Hotch shook Reid a bit, and the younger man woke up, looking around anxiously.

"It's okay Reid, it's just me" Hotch said, carefully. Reid nodded and got out of the car, his legs wobbling, and his mind dizzy from the drunkenness. Hotch held Reids arm as they made their way into the room they'd apparently be rooming in.

"Do you need anything?" asked Hotch. Reid shook his head slowly, avoiding eye contact.

"Don't worry, i'm not angry" Hotch said gently, and sat on the bed, next to the other agent.

Reid gasped, and looked down. Hotch instinctively moved closer to Reid and wrapped his arms around the younger man. Reid shivered, and let out a short breath.

"It's okay, Spencer" the older said, as he held Reid protectively. Reid shivered once more, speechless when he truly realized Hotch had said his first name.

"I'll never judge you, i promise." he said, reassuring. Spencer nodded and closed his eyes, taking deeper breaths.

"Do you feel sick?" he asked, and Reid nodded. Hotch pressed his hand to Reid's forehead.

"May i?" he asked, as he held his hands at the hem of Spencer's sweater. Spencer panicked. _This isn't meant to be inappropriate. _He assured himself, before wondering what _was_ the correct answer. He nodded, warily. Hotch began to lift his sweater from Reid, and removed it a few seconds later. He stopped with his hands at the first button of Reid's shirt, and looked at Reid's eyes, searching for an answer. He unbuttoned the younger mans shirt, and then shrugged it off him.

"Lay down Reid, i'll get something for your head" he calmly instructed, and left to the bathroom, while Reid laid back on the bed, sighing. He had an edge-of-your-seat feeling, and his stomach was twisting and turning with anxiety. Hotch returned from the bathroom with a small damp towel, and placed it over Reid's forehead. The younger man sighed, and crossed his arms around himself protectively, feeling too over exposed. Reid was silent. His mind was also twisting, like his stomach. He was still completely drunk, but laying down made him feel better.

"Maybe that will help your headache?" asked Hotch, as he gently held Reid's arm.

"Hooow did you kknow i haad a h..headache?" Spencer slurred, speaking his first words since Hotch had found him.

"I had a feeling. You drank too much, Spencer.. It wont make you forget." his boss said, the end, with a tinge of sadness.

"I knooooow" he slurred back, and moved to the side away from Hotch, with his knees towards his chest.

"Can we talk about this tomorrow?" Hotch inquired, and Reid nodded his head. Hotch moved a bit closer, with his arm still on Reid, and waited until his breaths got calmer and he'd fallen asleep. Then, he fell asleep himself.


	5. The Breakdown

**chapter five: The Breakdown**

oh lord. here we go. a fairly frightening chapter. proceed with caution! a little hotch/reid as well. it's 3 am! -dies of sleepiness-

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><p>At 5:30 in the morning, Hotch woke up to the sound of Reid puking from the bathroom. The door was half open and Reid knelt in front of the toilet. Hotch got up from the bed, and walked over to the bathroom, wincing at the sound of puke falling into the toilet. He opened the door, and called Reid's name. The younger man looked up at Hotch, who was kneeling down on the floor next to him.<p>

"Hi Hotch" he said weak and frightened.

"Call me Aaron, Spencer" his boss said gently, and he nodded, looking like he was about to be in trouble.

"You're not in trouble, i promise" Hotch assured, as Reid turned back to the toilet and threw up. Hotch reached out his hand, and ran it over Reid's back in a comforting motion. The genius gasped, and started crying, looking at the tiled floor of the bathroom. He felt so guilty, and so confused. He felt anxious and worried. One of his hands reached up and wiped a tear. He sniffed as he felt the wetness of the tear on his hand. The thought that he was crying in front of Hotch made him even more upset, and he kept on wiping away each slow falling tear, as Hotch looked at him worriedly. When he sobbed, Aaron came closer, and the tears were dropping too fast to wipe away one by one.

"It's okay, It's okay" Aaron comforted, as Reid nodded.

"Come lie down and we can talk comfortably" he commented, and the younger man got up, and told Hotch he'd be there, that he needed a few moments alone. Hotch nodded, and got up, closing the door behind him.

Spencer looked in the mirror at his disheveled appearance. He shuddered and opened the water faucet. He splashed his face with warm water, and held his head for a few moments, concentrating on stopping his thoughts. He almost laughed at how ridiculous he was. How stupid, and pitiful. He brushed his teeth, after noticing that his toothbrush from his bag was there. After calming his breathing, he stepped out of the bathroom, and looked around for Hotch, who was sitting by the table, looking at a case file.

"Is that for one of the victims?.. Ho.. Aaron?" he asked, trying to distract the current situation. He started walking over to the table, and was about to grab a folder, when Hotch slid it away from him.

"H..Hotch?" he said nervously, fearing the fact that Hotch might have taken him off the case, or worse, fired him already. His stomach twisted, and his breathing sped up, as he turned back to the bathroom. His wrist was caught by Aaron's firm grasp, and he looked back, in a state of panic.

"Relax, Reid, you aren't fired or taken off the case" the man spoke, and felt Reid's arm relax.

"I told you, it's okay" he added, letting go of Reid's wrist.

"O.. okay" Reid mumbled, and sat on the bed. He sighed, and brought his hands to his head. Hotch brought his sweater, and gave it to Reid.

"Here" He said gently as sat next to him. Reid put on the sweater, and hugged himself, remembering how good it smelled.

"What do you know, Aaron?" asked Spencer, in a tiny voice.

"I know that you are afraid to be yourself, but you can't function and be at peace if you aren't yourself. So it leaves you stuck in between. Anxious, afraid, and worried that if you would be yourself people would judge you, but if you weren't yourself, the anxiety would never go away." the other replied.

"Yes.. that's true." Reid mumbled.

"I don't judge you, Spencer" Hotch stated, and Reid looked away from the others' prying eyes.

"I know. But.. others judge me" Spencer replied.

"That doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if i judge you, or if they judge you. What really matters, is that you accept yourself. For others to accept you, you first have to accept yourself. Don't be ashamed of who you are, Spencer. You are brilliant. You're unique and amazing, and the rest of the team are too blind to see that. They don't want to hurt you on purpose, it's just that they don't see what you are going through." Hotch explained, and wrapped an arm around Reid's small back. Reid shivered at Hotch's words and his small gesture. He nodded his head, and closed his eyes shut, pretending he was in the opening again. But every time he would walk through the path, he would see the rest of the team, and people that he'd met during the last years, laughing at him. He tightened his closed eyes, and focused on making them go away, but they were still laughing. _'Go away! leave me alone!' he yelled at them. 'We're never leaving, you will always be the nerd, the weirdo' Prentiss laughed._ Reid whimpered, his eyes still closed, waiting for the opening in the path, to his meadow.

"Where _are_ you, Spencer?" Hotch asked curiously, more at himself, watching tears escape Reid's closed eyes. He wrapped his arms around the younger man, and held him.

_Morgan came to the front, away from the rest. 'Pretty boy, you aren't that pretty. You're actually pretty hideous' he joked. Reid shook, and approached the other man. 'You're a complete jerk' he spat._ His heart beat sped up, and Hotch kept on holding him lightly, watching carefully as he clenched his fists. _'You wanna fight, nerd?' Morgan tempted, and the rest laughed. 'He won't stand a chance' said JJ's voice._

"JJ?" Reid spoke, his voice completely broken. Hotch held him tighter, and whispered 'it's okay' a few times.

"Reid?" Hotch said, testing to see if the genius was back with him. Reid stayed quiet.

_The people in the pathway moved aside. 'Spencer, are you okay?' Hotch's voice asked, worriedly. Reid stepped forward, as he saw Aaron. He told them to go away, and Morgan, along with the rest, disappeared. 'You came to help me' Reid smiled, reaching his arm out. Hotch walked over, and wrapped his arms around the younger man. 'It's okay' Aaron mentioned, and Reid lifted his head up, staring into Hotch's eyes, gazing._

"Reid, yes, Reid?" Hotch asked as Reid looked up, with his eyes closed, but a simple smile.

"It's okay, Reid, I got you" Hotch assured. Reid started getting closer, and closer, his face inches away from Hotch's.

"Spencer?" Hotch questioned.

"K..Ki..Kiss m..me" Spencer stuttered, nervously, his palms getting sweaty, but his eyes still closed. Hotch froze for a second. This wasn't rational Reid, this wasn't him consciously. Hotch loves Reid. It's one of the reasons Reid isn't fired, or alone, or crying, or thankfully not on dilaudid again ever since the argument in the B.A.U. But could he really jeopardize their friendship?

"It's not right, Reid. You aren't very conscious right now.." he warned.

"I..I'm in L..Love with y..you.. k..Kiss me.. " Spencer spoke nervously and afraid, almost disappointed. A tear escaped Spencer's eye, as Hotch cursed at himself. He closed his eyes, brought himself closer, and pressed his lips against Spencer's, softly. Spencer's lips turned up at the sides, as Hotch kissed him again. The younger man wrapped his arms gently around Aaron's neck, and sighed. He brought their lips together, and licked at Hotch's soft lips. Hotch groaned a bit, and brought one of his hands to the side of Reid's face. He opened his mouth slightly, and Reid's tongue met with his. The two kissed tenderly and passionately.

"Aaron" Reid sighed of contentment with his eyes still closed, as Hotch gently guided him down to the bed. The younger man reached out his arms and wrapped them around Hotch who was now on top of him. Hotch leaned down, and kissed Reid softly once more. He brought one of his hands down to the others sweater, and slipped his hand under. Reid sighed, and smiled at Hotch's touch. The man took one of Spencer's nipples and rubbed it gently.

"Mmm" Spencer moaned, and thrust his hips against Aaron's.

"Spencer.. Mm" he gasped, and Reid opened his eyes. Hotch looked back down at Reid's confused face. The younger mans face turned completely red, and his heart beat picked up. He started panicking when he realized what had happened was real. He had actually made out with his boss. His boss of the FBI whom he was friends with and whom was trying to help him be happy. His stomach churned. _I'm gonna throw up. _

"R.. Reid" Hotch spoke. Regret washed over him, and guilt. **He shouldn't have done this.** This was so wrong. He had known that Reid wasn't actually there, but deep in his mind. He shouldn't have messed or tested with that.

"Hotch.. I'm.. I'm sorry I shouldn't have!" Reid yelped, and got up quickly. He ran to the bathroom and locked himself inside. He breathed deeply, but started to feel choked. _What have i done?_

He started crying, as Hotch knocked on the door of the bathroom. The tears couldn't stop. His eyes became red and his vision blurry as Hotch begged for him to open the door. He was regretful and guilty. _How could he have done it_. He shouldn't even be alive. He sobbed into the sweater, and crawled into a fetal position on the cold floor. It was over. Everything. Sadness overwhelmed him, and he felt so so so depressed. Like the world just shunned him out for good.

"Spencer, open the door please. Spencer, i'm sorry it's not your fault! It was me" Hotch pleaded at the door.

All Reid knew of was how to cry. He cried and shook for the next hour as Hotch threatened to kick the door open. It was already time for them to go meet the team, and Reid was still sobbing. His cries had died out for a while, but now he was crying much more. His nose was runny, and he was hugging himself on the floor, wishing for his life to end.

Hotch was pacing around the room desperately. It was already time to go, and he felt so horrid because he caused Spencer even worse pain than the younger man had before all this happened. Reid wasn't even replying. Not once did he say a word. He was still crying and sobbing, and Hotch's heart was broken in half. It really was _that_ bad. The genius was going through a mental emotional breakdown on the bathroom floor. Hotch brought his hands up to his head and panicked. He knocked on the door again, and Reid sobbed. Thank god the others' rooms were two rooms apart, this would not be good at all.

"Spencer, honey, can you hear me?" he asked. Reid let out a sharp cry, and started sobbing. His breathing was erratic.

"Reid, you need to calm down, please. Please calm down, and unlock the door, everything will be fine" Hotch spoke gently, but Reid just kept on sobbing. He guessed the man hadn't even moved.

"Spencer, remember, it's not your fault. I promise, i am not angry, please just unlock the door" he said, but no reply. He paced around the room nervously, wondering how in the world to fix this. He could leave, and hope for Reid to exit the bathroom while he was gone. He could come back in a few minutes, and Spencer would still be outside. But, why would he go out of the bathroom in the first place? The bed?

Hotch's cellphone rang with a text message from Rossi._ 'How is Reid? Meet up at lobby in 5 minutes'_

Hotch groaned, and put on his other clothing quickly. He grabbed his gun, i.d., and keys.

"Reid? I'm going with the team.. Please listen. I'll be back as soon as possible, i promise Reid, i will be back in one hour. I need to go now. Okay? It's not your fault." he spoke loudly at the door, and Reid's cries got smaller.

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><p>Rossi, Morgan, Prentiss, and JJ, were all waiting in the lobby, as Hotch arrived. They gave him suspicious looks, and Morgan questioned about Reid's absence.<p>

"Reid's not feeling well.. He decided to stay back, and i told him it was fine for today.." Hotch explained, and gave a look to Rossi.

"What!" Prentiss exclaimed. "Hotch, what are you talking about?" she questioned.

"He told me he felt sick, that's all. Don't dwell on it, he'll be fine" _he hoped_.

They nodded, and left for the police department.

Around 20 minutes later, Hotch started getting anxious, and it was pretty evident, as Rossi asked him if he was fine. He had a greater trust in Rossi, so he pulled him out of the room.

"I'm.. I'm worried, i think i'll be back, i need to check up on Reid" he explained.

"Reid needs checking up on?" Rossi asked, worriedly, and looked over at JJ who was talking to the press. When he was sure no one was looking, he gave Hotch a questioning look.

"Reid's having a crisis in the bathroom of the hotel, and i need to be there right now, before he does something insane" he spoke in a serious tone, leaving Rossi with a stunned expression. Rossi made a zipper in the mouth expression, meaning he won't say a word, as Hotch ran off.

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><p>Aaron opened the door of the room with his keys, and saw Spencer on the bed. He dropped everything, and ran towards him. <em>Crap<em>.


	6. Gunpoint

**chapter six: Gunpoint**

I have updated so soon, because i want to finish this story quickly. I am just updating chapter five, and now this is chapter six, so quickly. This is not the end of the story, even though it may seem like it. Please don't think of Reid or Hotch as bad people for what they do in this chapter. This chapter is intense, and emotional. The Aaron and Spencer thing, it caused a conflict in the story, and this is sort of the resolution in the end of the conflict. But, the conflict of Reid being himself, is still not solved, and it's getting there slowly. He's becoming more like himself now.

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><p>Aaron opened the door of the room with his keys, and saw Spencer on the bed. He dropped everything, and ran towards him. <em>Crap<em>.

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><p>Spencer was laying sideways on the bed, his eyes closed, his left arm bleeding, and his gun pressed at the bottom of his chin. He had still been crying because his face was wet with tears. When he noticed Hotch coming towards him, he got up erratically, and kneeled on the bed. Hotch froze in place a few feet away from the bed, his eyes on Reid. The gun was still held to his head, and drops of blood were running down his arm. Reid sobbed and pressed the gun tighter against his skin.<p>

"Reid, put the gun down, please" Hotch spoke gently, raising his arms showing that he wasn't a threat. He quickly glanced at Reid's arm, and was a bit relieved when he noticed the cut was not that deep.

"There's no point! It's over!" Reid exclaimed as he cried.

"It may look and seem like it's over, but it's not. I promise, things will get better." Hotch said in a calm tone.

"Please Hotch, let me die" Reid begged. Hotch was quiet for a few seconds, as Reid hoped for a 'Yes'.

"I can't let you die, Spen-" Hotch was cut off by Spencer's loud cry, as he moved the gun to the side of his head, and shook.

"It's over, there's no point! No one wants me, and look what i've done! I kissed you. You must think of me as a disgusting animal" he cried, and pulled the safety trigger of the gun, which hadn't been pulled yet.

"I don't think of you as a disgusting animal, Spencer. I want you alive, and i care about you" Hotch took a step forward.

"Step back Hotch! I'm going to go through with this you can't stop me!" Spencer yelped. Hotch took a step back.

"Then do it" Hotch said, firmly. He took another step back. Spencer sobbed, and tears started flowing. His hand shook, as he reached for the trigger. Hotch watched closely.

"Leave" Spencer said, as he backed up slowly onto the wall in back of the bed.

"I'm not leaving" the other stated.

"Y..you w..w..want m..me to do i..it i.n f..front.. of y..y..y..ou.?" Spencer stuttered as his heart beat sped, and his hands got sweaty.

"Yes" Hotch stated. _He knew what was going to happen_. He set himself up. He backed away towards the door, his eyes on Spencer, as he kicked the door of the room that he had left open when he arrived.

"Y..You would like me to die?" Spencer asked, defensively.

"No. I don't want you to die." Hotch mentioned, as Reid's hand shook.

"Then why do you want me to kill myself in front of you!" Spencer screamed.

"I..." Hotch kept quiet. _Here it goes_.

"You want me to die! Why would you want that! Why! Have you always wanted me dead, huh _Aaron_?" Spencer accused, saying Hotch's name bitterly. He removed his gun from his head, and pointed it at Hotch.

"Why!" he asked, pointing the gun out, and crying.

"Would you like to feel this way? Like you want to die! Like you are going to die!" Spencer shouted, his voice broken, and got closer to Aaron. Hotch took his gun out, and lifted it in the air, defensively.

"I don't want to hurt you, Spencer" he said calmly, and Reid didn't move his gun away. He put his hand on the trigger, and Hotch brought his gun forward.

"Careful, Reid. Are you sure you want to do that? Kill me?" Hotch stated, and Reid screamed.

"You'd kill me. _You_ would kill _me_! .. H.. Hotch? Don't... Don't lie!" he cried.

"I don't want to kill you, i would never want to hurt you. But i have a shot that would not be lethal, and if you are going to shoot me, i need to shoot you down. You won't die. Deal?"

"W..Whats wrong with me?" Spencer asked, and dropped on his knees, but the gun was still held out.

"Do you want me to help you, Spencer?"

"You hate me, because i kissed you" the younger man stated.

"I don't hate you. I love you. Please, put the gun down. I would never want to hurt you." Hotch said gently, as Reid's hand shook, while he slowly put the gun to the corner of the bed.

Immediately, Hotch put his gun down, and ran over to Reid, moving the gun off the bed. Spencer squirmed and tried to get away from Hotchs grasp, as Hotch pinned Reid's wrists down on the bed. Reid cried and looked away from Hotch's eyes.

"Spencer, look at me" Hotch commanded. Spencer squirmed under Hotch's strong hold, and looked at him.

"This is not your fault. I tempted you to hold that gun at me on purpose, do you understand?" he said, firmly, in a serious tone.

"No.." the other said.

"Listen to me, i love you, okay? I would never want to hurt you. What i did was necessary, and you do not have to feel guilty. You were at a point where you weren't thinking or responding rationally. It's fine, the important thing, is that you are okay. It's not your fault, are we clear?" Hotch spoke intensely, and Reid nodded.

"I understand" he spoke lightly. Then, he hesitated. Hotch questioned his look.

"I'm still sorry. I'm sorry" he cried, and sniffed. Hotch held both the younger mans wrists in one hand, and used the other to wipe away Spencer's tears.

"It's okay Spencer, I love you" Hotch said, for a moment, his eyes getting watery.

"I.. i love you too, Aaron" Spencer whispered, smiling.

"That's what i like to see, your smile" Hotch smiled. Reid struggled against Hotch's hold, and looked at the older man pleadingly.

"I'm not letting go yet" Hotch mentioned, and Spencer made a small 'oh' sound. He closed his eyes, and calmed himself down, bending his knees up slightly.

"I will know when" Hotch stated, and Spencer nodded without opening his eyes. Hotch stared at Reid's pained expression for a few minutes, until he relaxed for a while, and Hotch let go. Spencer was quiet, eyes still closed, as he laid on the bed.

"I'll be back, can you wait for me a few minutes?" Aaron asked cautiously.

"Y..Yes. Please be back soon. Please" Spencer nodded, and Aaron agreed. He got up, and grabbed both his and Spencer's gun. He put his back on the holster, and put Spencer's in a safe in the room, entering a lock code.

Hotch walked downstairs quickly, running into Rossi on the way. He stopped for a moment, and sighed.

"There's blood on your shirt, Aaron" Rossi pointed out blankly. Hotch looked over at his shirt sleeve.

"Dave can you ask if they have a first aid kit? You probably look better than i do. I don't want them wondering." he inquired and Rossi nodded.

"_I'm wondering myself,_ I'll be back" he murmured.

Two minutes later, he was back, with a small first aid kit. He handed it to Aaron and patted him on the shoulder.

"The things that go on with you, Hotch" he joked, and then returned to a serious face.

"I've been very distracted from the team, i owe you guys an apology. I've barely been there. So hasn't Reid." Hotch apologized.

"It's fine. It's not like you went on vacation" Rossi joked, and Hotch dismissed himself.

He quickly walked to the room, and unlocked the door. Reid was laying in the same position as when he'd left, and that relieved him. Reid sat up, and looked down at the blanket.

"Come here, Spencer" Hotch called from the bathroom. Reid got up and wondered what was going on, until he remembered the large cut a few inches above his left wrist. It had hurt so much, that now, it felt numb.

"Sit" he told him, and Reid sat on the toilet. Hotch started cleaning up the blood with soapy water in a cloth. It was stuck in places, and he apologized to Reid for the pain it caused. He started putting medicine over the cut, when Reid laughed a bit.

"I feel like.. a kid" he said lightly, and blushed.

"It's fine, Reid. I'm happy helping you. I want you to be okay and happy." Hotch said, as he covered the large cut with gauze, and then wrapped it up. Half of Reid's arm length was wrapped now, covering the cut.

"There" Hotch smiled a bit. Despite all the circumstances, they were able to show smiles, and a few laughs.

"Are you ready to go out?" Hotch questioned, and Reid stared for a moment, thinking of everything.

"I... I'm not sure" he said softly.

"The team is taking a break now. If you want, we can join them, and you can talk to them about how you feel, would you want to do that?" Hotch asked, and Reid nodded.

"Only a little bit of talking.. What about the case?" he hesitated.

"Reid, i'm sorry, but you can't work under all these circumstances right now. I'm pretty sure we have the unsub nailed, we might leave tomorrow morning. I want you safe, Spencer." Hotch explained, and Spencer nodded, even though a small part of him broke off.

"Can i wear your sweater?"

"Yes" Hotch smiled, and took Reid's hand in his.

"I think i miss my messenger bag" he spoke in a small voice.

"I know.. you'll get back to it in a day or two. Do you think you'll wear it with you?" Hotch asked.

"I don't know.." the younger man replied, shrugging his shoulders. Hotch pulled Reid up, and wrapped his arms around him. Reid began crying, and hugged Hotch back.

"I still feel broken" he said, burying his face in Hotch's shirt.

"It's okay. You don't have to be so strong. It's okay." Aaron comforted him, and moved back and forth in a comforting motion. He ran his hand through Spencer's long hair, and kissed his forehead, before grabbing his chin, and moving his face up, to look in his eyes.

The genius leaned in, and pressed his lips to Hotch's for a few seconds. After letting go,they both smiled and he sighed, pressing their heads together and staring in each others eyes. Aaron's eyes got watery, and he started crying. It was strange for him to cry in front of others, or show much emotion. Spencer hugged him, and comforted him. He could never let himself get so emotional in front of anyone. _Except for Spencer._


	7. Blush

**chapter seven: Blush**

*warning* *warning* slash... and this is the first time i ever write this. so beware!

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><p>Hotch smiled, and started guiding Reid towards the hotel bed. Reid had wiped away Hotch's tears, and had looked up at him with a shy smile. The younger man intertwined his fingers with Hotch's and brought up their hands into the air at their sides. Hotch walked towards the bed, making Reid back up with him. Spencer's stomach twirled with excitement, but he was a bit frightened as to what was happening. He held their hands up in the air, as Aaron leaned closer and kissed him gently. The genius shivered when Hotch's lips left him; Aaron's lips were like a drug he was so eager to get high off of. The more he had him, the more he wanted him. <em>So much better than dilaudid<em>.

Spencer fell back onto the bed, with Aaron over him. He scooted up the bed, as Hotch pressed his lips to his, tenderly. Hotch straddled Reid, and the younger man wrapped his arms around Hotch's neck, bringing him closer. He gazed at Hotch's eyes, and got a bit insecure.

"You alright?" Hotch asked, and Reid nodded, with a small smile. Hotch kissed Reid gently, and moved his hands under Reid's sweater, slowly pulling it off. Immediately, Reid brought his hands over his torso, trying to cover himself. He felt shy, and even though Hotch had seen him shirtless, it hadn't been in this situation.

"Hey.." Aaron whispered, moved his hand to the genius' chin, and tilted Spencer's face up to look at him. "You're beautiful" he whispered, leaning down to kiss Spencer's cheek. Reid blushed, and his eyes opened wide. He held on to himself tighter, nervously.

"You're amazing, Spencer. Your mind.. your soul.. your _body_." Hotch whispered in the others' ear, making him blush an even redder shade. Hotch thought it was adorable, how shy he'd gotten so quickly. He kissed the side of Spencer's mouth, and started trailing kisses down his jaw and neck. He licked and nibbled on Reid's neck, making the younger man gasp.

"Aaron.. You're.. embarrassing me.." Spencer whimpered.

"Why are you so embarrassed?" Aaron asked, teasingly, sucking on a soft spot, making Reid moan.

"I... " he started, but was cut off by Hotch's hand trailing down his body slowly.

"You..?" Hotch questioned, and brought his hand back up.

"I've never done anything so close to this before.." he whispered, self consciously. Hotch pressed his lips against Reid's, and smiled, running his hand through Reid's hair.

"It's okay, Spencer. We don't have to do anything that you aren't comfortable with. Okay?" he assured.

"I.. don't know what to do" Reid mumbled, and looked away, still holding himself.

"Do what feels natural." Hotch replied, and Spencer looked at him, nodding meekly. He pulled Hotch closer, and pressed their lips together. Hotch nibbled on Reid's lip, before their tongues met, and Reid's hands reached to the first button on Hotch's shirt. For a moment, he moved his hands away, doubtfully, but Hotch guided his hands towards the button.

Reid slowly unbuttoned Hotch's shirt, his hands trembling. Hotch slowly pulled away from their kiss.

"Are you okay, Spencer?" Aaron asked, and the younger man looked up, nodding, and giving another small smile.

"I'm fine" he replied, taking the shirt completely off Hotch. They kept on kissing, until Hotch moved his hips against Reid's, making Reid moan, and then yelp, embarrassed.

"Does all this feel good?" Aaron asked, with his arms holding Spencer, moving in careful ways.

"Yes.. It's so embarrassing" Spencer whispered shyly. He'd felt embarrassed at the sound coming out of his mouth, it was so strange and abnormal for him. He had never been in such a situation. He had kissed women a few times in his life, but nothing that involved removing clothes. He had also never done anything sexual to himself, because he never thought about it or experimented with it. He did know the intellectual side of it though. _But experiencing it was a whole different story._

"Don't be embarrassed... Look at me, Spencer" Hotch said, and as Reid looked up, he rubbed his pants against Reid's, making the genius gasp and let out a small moan.

"Mm.." Spencer mumbled. Hotch trailed his hand down Reid's pale body, and stopped at the edge of his pants waist band. He unbuttoned the pants, and zipped the zipper down slowly.

"Hotch!" Reid shrieked, when Aaron moved his hands under the younger mans underwear. Reid blushed, and covered his face with his hands, as Hotch grabbed his erection. This was so **_sexual_**.

"Mmm Spencer, your _DICK_ is so _HARD_" Hotch whispered into Spencer's ear, teasingly emphasizing the two harsh words, making Reid squirm. Aaron moved his hand continuously, in a firm steady motion, as Spencer grabbed at his shirt. _Spencer was high_. Pleasure coursed throughout his body as he closed his eyes and gasped. It was like nothing he'd ever felt before. And this was just.. touching.

"Mm! Ngh! Aaron!.. why does this feel so good?" he moaned.

"Look at me, Spencer" Hotch said, and Reid opened his eyes, looking at Hotch's funny expression. Aaron moved his hand quicker, making Spencer gasp.

"It's so good.. Mmm.. Hotch.. Let me do it to you.. Nghh! I want to make you feel this good" he said, bringing Hotch closer.

"Later on, m'kay? .. God, Spencer, just your expression turns me on, you're so hot" the other said. Reid closed his eyes tight, as he felt a strange feeling throughout his body.

"Feels.. strange" he whispered. "It's so good.. in a way".

"Mmm.. Spencer.. cum, i want to see your face"

"That's so.. embarrassing" the other whispered in reply. Then, he felt a stronger feeling, and he gasped, as his hips lifted off the bed and he came. Hotch watched Reid's amazing expression, and groaned. Reid looked up at Hotch, his heart beating wildly.

"Wow..." he spoke, in complete awe.

"I love you" Aaron whispered, embracing the younger man.

"Love you too" Reid replied.

"Spencer... I think we forgot about something.."

"Oh!" Spencer realized, and playfully slapped his forehead.

"I just feel so good. I'm not anxious. I don't want it to end" he added, and wrapped his arms tighter around Hotch. Hotch laughed lightly.

"Tonight... we can do more. But.. on one condition" he stated, and Spencer gave him a questioning look.

"Please, talk with the team, at least Morgan or JJ, they all care about you. You'll have to come to the police department with us, because I cant leave you alone. You need to communicate, promise?" he asked, and Reid nodded.

"Okay" he whispered, and Hotch held him, rubbing his back comfortingly.


	8. Swann's Way

**chapter eight: Swann's Way**

Hi there.. for people who read my story, hehe. I'm sorry if this chapter is missing any pizzaz or detail. My mind is blank, and i've been busy today with college stuff. I want to finish this a.s.a.p. because this week and the next few weeks, i'll be busy preparing things for the summer term in college.. woo! I also wrote a chapter of a new story i will be writing after i'm done with this one. LOL. This chapter is pretty short, but Reid gets to show his true geeky-ish self and give the team the missing piece of their case.

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><p>"Ready?" Aaron asked, at the door of the room. Spencer was putting on a different shirt, as the other one was covered in blood at the sleeve. He rolled the sleeves down, to cover the band that was wrapped around his arm.<p>

"Y...yes" he replied, feeling a bit anxious. Hotch opened the door of the room, and stepped out, followed by Reid. He wrapped an arm around the younger man, and Spencer held on to him tightly.

"Be yourself, Spencer. Remember" Hotch whispered before letting go.

They walked downstairs, as Aaron called JJ's cell. They were all in the police station, where the unsub had left a strange voice message. Hotch drove, with Reid in the passengers seat. Not a word was said during the entire ride, which lasted around five minutes.

As Spencer got off the car, he caught a glimpse of Prentiss watching him with anxious eyes. He followed Hotch into the office, and sat down on a chair in the corner, tugging at his shirt sleeve, stretching it the lowest possible.

Reid knew where the unsub was. He wanted to literally scream it out, but he wasn't exactly sure. He needed to hear the voice message sent, to confirm his thoughts. He had known since the team interrogated him in the office, the day he was working on the map. He hadn't said a word, because he wasn't so sure, and because he had been angry with the team. It vanished from his mind, during the time that he was feeling horrid, but as he slowly came to the light of the situation, he worked it out in his mind even more and more.

**Spencer Reid is a genius, with an eidetic memory, an IQ of 187, and he can read at 20,000 words per minute. **

Garcia popped up on the screen of the laptop placed in the middle of the big oblong shaped table. The others grouped up, ready to hear the voice message.

"Ready Garcia" spoke Emily. Garcia typed into the keyboard, and the man's voice was heard clearly.

_"Perhaps the immobility of the things that surround us is forced upon them by our conviction that they are themselves, and not anything else, and by the immobility of our conceptions of them."_

The message ended, and Morgan laughed sarcastically.

"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked.

**Spencer Reid is unique.**

"It means..." Reid started, the answer at the tip of his tongue. Hotch looked over at him with a questioning look, which all the more made him nervous.

"Reid? Do you know?" Emily asked, gently.

"It means that the unsub is quoting from 'Remembrance of Things Past' by Marcel Proust, and it also means that he is probably located somewhere in relevance to 'Swann's Way'. He probably has some severe trauma, and he feels like he's in his own world. He's also very intelligent. A person of low intelligence would not take the time or dedication to read Proust. The narrator in the novel, spoke about his childhood, and his very small recollection of from when he lived in 'Combray'. His memory was of when a family friend of higher class, Charles Swann, visited in the evening, and he couldn't get a good night kiss from his mother. He had even written a letter to his mother, to be taken to her, but he didn't give it to her because he thought it would be a failure. He spent a whole lot of time talking about that memory, and I assume the unsub has motherly issues if he finds some connection to the narrator and his childhood. In his childhood there were two walking paths containing beautiful scenery: the one by Mr Swann's house, and Guermantes way. Later on, he experiences a memory of his childhood when he tasted madeleine cake dipped in tea in the 'episode of the madeleine'. The specific quote that the unsub quoted comes from the beginning of the novel when he was laying in his bed, thinking about sleep and of his past. I don't know much about the victims, or what he did, but he didn't sound like he was reading off a paper, and that tells me that he is intelligent, as I already mentioned. " Reid joked.

"Are you joking, or are you serious?" Hotch asked.

"I'm serious. Search for a location by that title, in the area that you are looking for" he replied, and looked down at his socks. _They look boring when they are matched._

Garcia quickly looked up the information, and found the place.

"Swann's Way is the road in which his house was when he was raised! We found him, guys" Garcia cheered, and gave the information to the team. They all stared at Reid, point blank. Morgan walked up to him, and put a hand on his shoulder.

"That's our Reid" he said. Reid felt his stomach mix up, but with excitement. He smiled, and moved his hand over his face, trying to cover himself.

JJ, Rossi, Morgan and Prentiss walked out quickly, and Hotch stayed behind for a few seconds, smiling towards Spencer.

"See?" he said, Reid blushing.

"Go on with the team before they decide to leave you here. I'll be waiting" Spencer laughed lightly, and wrapped his arms around himself.

"We'll be back" Aaron said quickly, before exiting the room. Spencer leaned back a bit on the chair, and smiled. It felt like he had completed a great goal. He hadn't even talked to them yet, but just by giving the missing piece to finding the unsub, he felt so accomplished.

**Spencer is Spencer?**


End file.
